Bad boy, Good boy
by Therrin-Ninja
Summary: ONESHOT. . . . There's an Uchiha clan syndrome, and all known Uchiha clan members are all suffering the symptoms, AT THE SAME TIME. complete cracktastic insanity. Itachi's a good boy! Sasuke's a good boy! Tobi's a Good boy!


Bad boy, Good boy

Bad boy, Good boy.

-o-

One day in who-knows-where . . .

-o-

"All right now, Sasuke, I want you to do this just as Kabuto showed you. If you pull it off, you are a very very bad boy!"

Sasuke stood still for a few seconds, then blurted, "Sasuke's a good boy!"

". . . no, Sasuke, you want to be a bad boy."

Sasuke looked bemused. "But Sasuke's a good boy!"

Even Orichimaru, king of all weird and creepy, stared. "Sasuke? What's wrong with you? Kabuto!"

The medical ninja stepped out of the shadows. He walked up to Sasuke, and asked simply, "What are you, Uchiha Sasuke?"

"Sasuke's a good boy!"

"Right." Kabuto turned to Orichimaru. "Sasuke has the Uchiha syndrome."

"Does that mean he's ill? Because I had all sorts of . . . activities planned for him this afternoon."

"Sorry, but Sasuke will not be able to participate. But I would be more than willing to take his place."

"No! It has to be Sasuke! Only he can do the things I want!"

Kabuto said nothing, but in his mind he shouted at Sasuke, "Lucky Uke!"

-o-o-o-o-o-

-o-

In the Akatsuki Headquarters (who the hell knows where that is, either)

-o-

Itachi lounged on the couch, bored. He'd just watched Sasori reminisce of his grandmother's recipe for shark and spinach, and had caused both Kisame and Zetsu to flee. He picked up a magazine off the table, paged through it in under ten seconds, then threw it back onto the floor.

"Tobi's a good boy!"

Itachi heard Deidara roar from somewhere nearby, "Goddammit, Tobi, if you don't shut up I will personally shove you down Zetsu's throat!"

Itachi rolled his eyes. They were as annoying as his dumb kid brother, Sasuke. He wondered what would happen if he flicked Tobi in the forehead. Maybe he'd get that stupid mask off and find out who he really was. Meh.

"I'm gonna watch Pokemon 'till my eyes bleed."

Deidara wandered up, followed by Tobi. "No, Itachi. You can't let your eyes bleed. They're the only reason you're in Akatsuki."

"Mer."

"Tobi's a good boy!"

"GRAAAH!"

"But Tobi's-"

"No! Not even! Die! UN!"

"Tobi has a powerful eye, too!"

Itachi sat up. "Wait, what?"

"Tobi has skills!"

Itachi stood up. "Okay, Tobi. What skills do you have?" Deidara watched curiously, his fury temporarily abated.

" . . . Tobi's a good boy!"

Itachi rolled his eyes. "And for a second I thought he had something interesting to say."

"Tobi's a good boy!"

Deidara snarled.

Itachi returned to the couch, and turned back to Pokemon. Kisame wandered in and joined Itachi. In the background, Deidara chased Tobi around the room, screaming crazedly every time Tobi said the dreaded phrase.

"Tobi's a-"

"I will Kill-"

"-Boy!"

"-blood everywhere-"

"Tobi's a good-"

"-murder! -"

"Mm gmnmm good ma gah boy."

Kisame sat up. "What was that, Itachi?"

"Nothing, never mind."

Kisame settled back. "They're getting annoying."

"-a Good Boy!"

"Graaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"Tobi's-"

"Itachi's a good boy!"

Complete. Silence.

" . . . WHAT?" Deidara stared at the three other Akatsuki.

"Tobi's a good boy!"

"I thought I heard something . . ." Deidara ignored Tobi, and stared at Itachi and Kisame. "Did you hear it?"

Kisame put his hand over Itachi's mouth. "You didn't hear anything. It was Tobi!"

"You sure?"

Kisame pointed at Tobi. "Yeah, it was him."

"Itachi's a good boy!"

Deidara stared. He was sure the muffled sentence had come from Itachi.

"Itachi . . . ?"

Kisame took Itachi's arm and made him sit straight. "Okay, now, I want you to say that with a straight face."

"Itachi's a good boy!"

"Oh boy," groaned Deidara.

There was a knock.

"Who the hell found us?" demanded Kisame.

"Tobi'll get it!" the masked Akatsuki sprinted toward the entrance.

"Fine."

"Itachi? Someone? A little help?" the whimper traveled down the corridor into the room.

Sasori wandered into the room from the opposite direction. "Was that . . . Orichimaru?"

"Sasuke's a good boy!"

Orichimaru, Kabuto, and Sasuke walked into the room.

"He's broken!" wailed Orichimaru.

"Sasuke's a good boy!"

"Itachi's a good boy!"

"Tobi's a good boy!"

" . . . wow," murmured Kisame.

From the corridor they heard more people coming.

"But we followed them all the way here-"

"Why would Orichimaru go back to the Akatsuki?"

"Now you two, we are supposed to be ninja . . ."

Three people, a blond, a pink, and a silver haired, emerged into the room.

"Sasuke!"

"The Jinchuuriki!"

"Hatake Kakashi?"

"Sasuke's a good boy!"

The entire room fell silent. Again.

Randomly, the Akatsuki leader walked in. "what is wrong with you people? This is the quietest I've ever seen you! And usually Deidara is trying to kill Tobi. And why is Orichimaru here? And why isn't anyone trying to capture the Jinchuuriki? And why are there intruders anyway?!"

" . . . . . . . . Itachi's a good boy!"

Deidara screamed.

Orichimaru sniffled. "What's wrong with my beautiful Sasuke-kun?" as he said this, Kabuto sulked.

Naruto jumped forward. "Whaddya mean, what's wrong with Sasuke?"

Sasuke beamed. "Sasuke's a good boy!

Complete horror spread across Naruto and Sakura's faces.

Kakashi chuckled. "Don't worry. He just has the Uchiha Syndrome."

"The WHAT?!" chorused everybody besides Kakashi, Sasuke, Itachi, Tobi, and Kabuto.

"The Uchiha Syndrome. It happens to everyone in the Uchiha clan. It only lasts a few days. That is, unless they get, like, brain damage in the middle of it or something."

"Yup! That's what happened to me!" cried Tobi joyously.

Kakashi did a double-take. "Wait, you're an Uchiha? But who-"

Itachi interrupted him. "But I killed all the other Uchiha!"

Tobi shook his head. "Everyone thought I was dead when a rock squashed me!"

Kakashi's right eye bugged out. "Obito?!"

"Yup!"

"B-but why haven't you come back? Why didn't you come back to Konoha?"

"Well, I was gonna, but . . ."

"Yeah?"

"I kinda got lost."

Behind Kakashi's little reunion, Naruto and Sakura were trying to snap Sasuke out of sounding like a broken record.

"Sasuke! You're not a good boy! You tried to kill me! You hurt Sakura! You left the village to get revenge against your brother!"

"But Sasuke's a good boy! I did all that so that I could avenge my clan!"

"Tobi's a good boy!"

Deidara rampaged through Naruto and Sakura's efforts, charging Tobi and howling with rage. Kakashi hurried after them, plaintively begging Tobi to remove the mask.

Pein stood in the middle of the crazed rabble. Nobody seemed remotely interested in capturing the nine-tails, which would have been easy if they had thought about it. Then again, with one of his followers crazed, and two others suffering some form of blood-line malady, Pein recognized the futility of the situation. He threw up his hands in disgust, and walked out of the room.

Kisame was huddled in a corner, crying. He couldn't stand to see Itachi act like this.

Sasori, on the other hand, was laughing his ass off. Deidara probably would have joined him, if he weren't so preoccupied with his need to murder his team mate.

Tobi had taken to the ceiling, where he hung upside down. Deidara, mad with rage, had altogether forgotten that he was a ninja. Like a rabid dog, he leapt from the ground, desperately trying to grab some part of Tobi.

Kakashi, seeing the futility in trying to talk to his old team mate, turned to find Sasuke. "Naruto, Sakura, he'll get over it within a few days. In the mean time, this is the perfect time to start planning."

Naruto suddenly smiled, and Sakura brightened and snapped her fingers.

"What if-"

"-we told Orichimaru-"

"-that the only cure-"

"-is in Konoha?"

"You read my mind!" chorused to two together, the pink and the blond grinning and pointing at each other.

"Excellent. And maybe we can get Itachi in the bargain."

Kisame looked around from his corner. "Oh no, I heard you guy plotting. You just want Itachi-kun around when Sasuke get better so that Sasuke can immediately knock Itachi off and stick around. I'm on to you!"

Kakashi shrugged. "Ah well. Didn't really expect it to work, anyway."

Sasori nudged Kisame with his foot. "what's wrong with you, Fish Stick?"

Kisame wailed.

"So," Naruto sidled up to Orichimaru, "we can fix Sasuke."

Orichimaru squealed, and flung himself on Naruto. "You can? Oh thank you, you beautiful, wonderful boy!"

The horror and disgust on Naruto's face was reflected in Kabuto's.

Sakura felt a deep rage building up in her. How DARE Orichimaru hug Naruto. Didn't he get enough since he had kidnapped Sasuke?!

"But the cure is back in Konoha, so we have to take him there. That way Lady Tsunade will know what she's dealing with."

Orichimaru released Naruto. "Oh, you mean flat-chested Tsunade?"

Naruto and Sakura stared. "Are you Fing kidding me?" demanded Naruto, "her chest is HUGE!"

"Oh, really? I haven't seen her since, oh, wait, that lady on the slug was Tsunade? Damn. She was hot!"

Sakura clutched her stomach. "I'm gonna heave."

"Hey, don't get me wrong. Jiraiya was hot one time, too!"

Naruto's hands flew to his temples, covering his eyes. "Ah! No! Bad Images!"

Kabuto looked traumatized. Scratch that, he was traumatized.

-o-o-o-o-o-

The bizarre group trouped through the main gates of Konoha. "Nostalgic," murmured everyone. The group was this; Tobi, Kakashi, Sasuke, lead by the hands by Naruto and Sakura, Orichimaru (sobbing), Kabuto (sulking), Itachi, lead by the hand by Kisame, and Deidara. Nobody was in sight.

Naruto stared around. "Where is everyone?"

Kakashi shrugged. "Let's get to the Hokage's office."

They were at the base of the building when there was a sudden yell, a shattering of glass, and the next thing anyone knew, Orichimaru had been flattened by a flying desk chair. Deidara started cracking up.

"That'll be Tsunade," murmured Kakashi.

"Owie," whimpered Orichimaru.

"O-Orichimaru!" cried Kabuto, leaping forward and lifting the chair off, "are you alright? How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Twenty-seven."

Sakura and Naruto stared. "Wow. She got him good."

Kabuto took Orichimaru's hand and they all trouped up to her office.

It is difficult to describe Tsunade's reaction when the first thing she saw entering her office was her former team mate, lead by the hand by his lackey, Kabuto. The best way to describe it would be utter confusion. This was only strengthened as she watched Naruto and Sakura lead in their own run-away team mate, followed by four Akatsuki, and Kakashi troupe in. the person who had angered her, Jiraiya, was in a similar state.

"Tsu-Tsu, fix Sasuke-kun!" cried Orichimaru.

Jiraiya and Tsunade stared, then Tsunade turned very slowly to Kakashi.

"Hatake Kakashi, what exactly is going on here?"

Kakashi laughed nervously, scratching the back of his head. "Well, you see, it's the Uchiha Syndrome."

"The wha-"

"Itachi's a good boy!"

" . . . Ah. That syndrome. And you're here why?"

"Because, Lady Hokage, you are the only one who knows the cure for the Uchiha Syndrome."

"What? I –oh, of course! Yes. We should have them installed in the hospital immediately. Shizune!"

The woman hurried in. "Yes, Lady Tsuna- Oh my God!" she gaped around at the, count them, seven highly wanted ninja.

"Shizune, please escort the Uchihas to the hospital. I shall go see to them as soon as possible."

"Ah, y-yes, ma'am." The poor Shizune left the office, trailed by the three Uchiha.

"As for the rest of you," said Tsunade, scanning the rest of the group, "What do you plan to do?"

Orichimaru whimpered. "I'll stay here until Sa-Sas gets better."

Kisame nodded. "And I'm staying 'till Itachi gets better."

Deidara shook his head. "whatever. I'm just here for the laugh, un. And maybe you can fix my partner while you're at it. I wanna strangle him every time he says that he's a good boy!"

"Okay. And what about you?" Tsunade pointed at Kabuto.

"Me? I go where Orichimaru goes. That's all."

Tsunade groaned. "Okay, just stay in the VIP rooms in this building. Naruto, Sakura, Kakashi, don't tell anyone that they're here. It might prove . . . troublesome."

Naruto blinked. "Troublesome how?"

"Like us being accused of protecting dangerous and wanted criminals."

"Right."

Tsunade stood, and beckoned the people to follow her. Jiraiya and Orichimaru followed. Kabuto and the rest were about to follow when they heard a scream.

"WHO THE F JUST GRABBED MY BUTT?!"

there was a pause, and then,

"ORICHIMARU?!"

"N-no! it was Jiraiya!"

"He's all the way over there!"

Jiraiya was running for cover when Orichimaru collided with him. They crashed through the doorway back into the office, and into the far wall, landing in a heap if limbs. Jiraiya was the first to move, hauling himself up into a sitting position. Suddenly Orichimaru cried out, making everyone jump.

"Sorry, sorry," he cried, "it's just that, you look so hot from this angle, Jiraiya-kun."

Jiraiya scrambled as fast as possible in the opposite direction. Naruto, Sakura and Kabuto all seemed to decide simultaneously and silently that this was more than they ever needed to know about their Senseis, and that they should leave, now, for their own better mental health.

They fled.

The three underlings took off for the village hospital, intending on visiting Sasuke. On the way there, Naruto and Sakura interrogated Kabuto about why he had helped them in the chuunin exam they way he had. They were near the hospital gates when a wall on the third floor suddenly blew out. From the dust emerged Sasuke, panting, and Itachi, blood dripping down his left arm.

"Looks like they're back to normal," shrugged Kabuto. "I knew that man's, Kakashi's, story was fake."

Tsunade was suddenly there, too, and she immediately waded into the mess. "Oi! You two! If you're going to have an epic battle, do it somewhere epic! Don't trash my hospital, you punks!"

Tobi stumbled from the ruins of the hospital room. "Oi, oi, I'd do as she says, you guys."

Sasuke glowered, but backed down. Itachi also straightened from his guarded pose, and nodded.

"Fine by me. I can tell already that my little brother hasn't surpassed me yet." The noise of Sasuke grinding his teeth was highly audible.

Orichimaru and Jiraiya finally turned up, accompanied by the other Akatsuki, and Kakashi.

"Sa-Sas!" cried the snake man as he glomped Sasuke. Sasuke endured it, and finally the man let go to turn to Naruto and Sakura. "Thank you so much, Saku-chan and Kyuu-kun! And just so you know, you two make me think a lot of Tsu-chan and Jiraiya-kun. I bet you'll make just as cute a couple as they did!"

Naruto and Sakura turned to stare pointedly at their Senseis.

"Ahem, Jiraiya, why don't you . . . _delay_ the several Anbu teams away from this little mess."

Jiraiya was so happy to leave, he didn't even bother to answer.

"But wait," mused Naruto, "If I'm Jiraiya, and you're Tsunade," he pointed at Sakura, "then that mean's that Sasuke's . . ." the two stared at the apprentice, who was now attempting to ignore the flustered panickings of the snake-man, and shuddered.

"Alright!" shouted Tsunade. "All of you, get out of here, before our Anbu find you. Personally, we have neither the manpower nor the time to deal with you, even to try arresting you. So get out of here before things get ugly."

The people mumbled and scattered off in different directions. However, they all were still within earshot to hear Tobi quip, "I'm a good boy!"

Deidara screamed.

-o-o-o-o-o-

END!


End file.
